There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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