I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
