Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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