Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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