Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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