I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
