You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
