Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
