I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
