Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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