I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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