i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my poor anus
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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