Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
