you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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