just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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