Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
