smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
