genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
