Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
