I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
