Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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