i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
