I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
