My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
