dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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