I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
