Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
