Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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