there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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