Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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