Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
