I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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