you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
