11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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