Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
