apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
