rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
