im drinking this country out of the recession.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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