My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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