I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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