My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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