I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
