Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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