The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Found the puke drawer
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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