some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
