Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She bit a glass in half.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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