THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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