I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
