The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
