The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
