rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
