So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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